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I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. -- Groucho Marx (Duck Soup)

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. -- Steve Martin (Bilko)

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Allen (Annie Hall)

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. -- Bill Murray (What about Bob)

You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater. -- Mike Myers (Austin Powers: Goldmember)

You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music -- Jim Carrey

Bastard Son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherf**cker. -- Robin Williams (Death to Shmoochy)

It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. -- Dan Aykroyd (The Blues Brothers)

 

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! -- Eddie Murphy (Shrek)

If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer!
(Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)

Lois: How would you like it if I made your life a living hell?
Ace: Well, Lois, I'm not quite ready for a relationship right now, but maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911?
(Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)

Pugsley: We're not shy!
Wednesday: We're contagious.
(The Addams Family)

Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
(The Addams Family Values)

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. - David Letterman

All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband. -  Marie (When Harry Met Sally)

Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
The Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-heck-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my world now, grandma.
(Happy Gilmore)