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"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."Spike Milligan

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."Steven Wright

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."Mel Brooks.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."Henry Youngman.

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." Emo Philips


"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."Steven Wright

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." Freddie Starr.

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."Spike Milligan

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." Eric Morecambe.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."Rowan Atkinson.