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"If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band." Paddy Crosbie.

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet." Oliver Herford.

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher" Ambrose Bierce.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."Al Capone.

"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning." Joel Segal.

"The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus." Joseph Thomson.

"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." Ashleigh Brilliant.


"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." R.D. Laing.

"I rob banks because that's where the money is." Willie Sutton.

"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." B.L. Taylor.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." G.W. Hegel.

"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." James Stephens.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit." Enoch Powell.

"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail." Gore Vidal.

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." John Wayne.

"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" Steven Wright

"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." Quentin Crisp.

"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit." Peter Beckmann.