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"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeners.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." George Carlin.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" Paul Merton.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." Steve Martin.

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." Les Dawson.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..." Steven Wright

 

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"Steven Wright

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " Charlie Brown.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." David Letterman.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett.

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